Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
