Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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