Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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