I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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