I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
