the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
vagina is talking i cant
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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