look no pants
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
