The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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