Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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