You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
