I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
