how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
