I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm both gender and math confused
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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