why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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