My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
