Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
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