your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
