Plan B is the new Plan A
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
