Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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