smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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