im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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