6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
