I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
two words: eviction party
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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