Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
