I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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