i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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