Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
