don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
