if only i could text you this smell
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Randomize
