Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize