Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
