There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Randomize
