I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
