guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
