he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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