I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
