This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
