I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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