I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
