The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
