my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
