I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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