two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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