I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize