Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I want to fling myself into the sun
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
