My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
