as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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