i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
