These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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