I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
