Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
nutella sex= disaster
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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