why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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