My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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