Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
