She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
mondays should just be called national damage control day
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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