I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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