Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize