so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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