I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
