Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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